BUSH AND CONDI? OR DUBYA AND THE DOMINATRIX? CARELESS WHISPERS Far be it from yer old pal Jerky to dip his ladle into the scummy broth of salacious rumor-mongering, but did y'all hear that Preznit Dubya's wedding might be in trouble, and that an Oval Office tryst with trusted advisor the Rev. Dr. Condoleezza Rice?! I normally wouldn't debase myself to post this kind of thing (coff-coff), but seeing as it comes from an otherwise trustworthy news source, I thought I might as well pass the savings on to YOU! Speaking of which, did you hear the one about the Las Vegas dominatrix who swears on a copy of the Marquis de Sade's 120 Days of Sodom that she personally arranged for Preznit Dubya a number of homosexual pay-for-play encounters, and that he is a "wannabe dom", as unsavory a character type imaginable, according to people in the know. Again, I'm just a messanger here, but those Skull and Bones rituals do have the reek of anal grease to them, and the rumors about Dubya's more-than-just-good-friends relationship with Knoxville mayor (and frequent White House sleepover guest) Victor Ashe have been around for a long, long time. Not that there's anything wrong with that! OOF! That was a close one! At around 2:05 a.m. on Wednesday, June 7th, a big fuckin' rock fell from the sky onto a remote stretch of Norway, where it made a Hiroshima-sized explosion that could be heard and felt for hundreds of miles away. Scientists think it might be a record-breaker. Let's hope it's not a harbinger. You say you don't much appreciate the way those poverty and income survey numbers being reported by the Census Bureau reflect on your administration's performance in those arenas? Well then, obviously, there's only one thing you can do about that... dump that fuckin' survey! In a similar vein, look for the Justice Department to start cutting back on their crime statistic reports, now that the across-the-board increase in all sorts of crime is becoming too big to simply ignore anymore. Do any Daily Dirt readers out there really need convincing anymore that the CIA has been infested by Nazi personel and ideology since the dying days of World War II, at the very least? I didn't think so, but you should probably read this story anyway, and save the link for your Doubting Thomas brother-in-law. Why? Why, God... WHY?!?!? Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY June 6 On this day in 1884, ten inches of snow falls in New England. This was the "year without a summer," thanks to all the crap thrown into the atmosphere by the massive explosion of the island of Krakatoa, near Indonesia. Don't bother looking for it on a map... it blew up real good, and it ain't there no more. On this day in 1966, the National Football League and American Football League announce their merger. Chaos ensues. On this day in 1988, President George Bush the Elder promises to provide reparations and an official apology to the thousands of Americans of Japanese descent who were held in work camps for the duration of World War II. In May of 1989, Ol' Blurry Lips breaks his promise.

THEY SAID IT! "It does sound like this is part of a strategy in that they don't value their own lives, and they certainly don't value ours; and they use suicide bombings as a tactic. Taking their own lives was not necessary, but it certainly is a good PR move." - Colleen Graffy, deputy assistant secretary of state for public diplomacy, takes this administration's political rhetoric to a dark new low when discussing the recent tripe-suicide of Guantanamo Bay detainees on the BBC. *** **** *** "I want young people to be as committed to laying down their lives for the Gospel as they are in Pakistan. ... How many of you want to be those who will give up your life for Jesus? ... We have to break the power of the enemy over the government. ... This means war! Are you a part of it or not?" - As Pentecostal pastor Becky Fischer addresses the young tots taking part in her 'Kids on Fire' Kristian Kids Kamp, little hands shoot up into the air. Welcome to America's answer to the Madrassas.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren!" and poof she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna!" and poof she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini!" St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says... "No sister, the paper says it was the Sahara Pipeline laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Dave on Dope for sending in today's second joke. President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?" The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything." Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercoverto see how this system works. So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods. As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu, Vus Tutzuch?" The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Comedy Central... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PALEOTHEOLOGY IDEA care of: Danny in Sunnyvale You asked "Um... Does any of this make any sense?" Certainly it makes sense. It's not a new train of thought, however. There are several books currently enjoying some popularity among us "brights" (a term coined by Richard Dawkins, I believe) which discuss just such things. My current bedside book is Daniel C. Dennett's Breaking the Spell, and I highly recommend it to anyone smart enough to read. Broadly speaking, it's a call for serious scientific studies of exactly what religious beliefs are all about. Dennett is an extraordinarily good writer, and I recommend anything he writes. Pascal Boyer's Religion Explained is perhaps right on point to your suggestion. It's a deeper study of the evolution of religious thought, and if you're serious about this, I recommend you find and read it. It's not easy, but worth the effort, IMO. Sam Harris wrote The End of Faith, which I have not yet read, but intend to soon, because Dennett refers to it as a "brave book." I'm not sure about the term "paleotheology" however, because it implies we're only interested in historic or ancient events. The point, remember, is to understand why these belief systems still exist, even among otherwise rational people. The correct term would be "theology" but that one's been shanghaied by the opposition. Actually, as Dennett notes, a more important notion is the belief in the belief in God. That is, many religious people believe that religion is the only available path to moral behavior; they don't believe all the fairy tales, but they believe that religions are good, beneficial, and thus immune from rational study. I'm open to suggestions... Yer pal, Danny in Sunnyvale [I've got End of Faith, and will be reading it over the next week or so. A short review will possibly follow. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky; If this lioness doesn't already have a fan club, I may just start one. Who knew the zoo could be both educational and THAT entertaining? If they could get some repeat performances, attendance might just pick up. Hope you're doing well. Kaltros, Bandit King and Major Irritant [Big Ups to the Christian-eating Big Cat! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I hope those were all just joke amendments. Even Chimp-boy in all of his exalted incompetence and arrogance couldn’t be considering things as draconian as them? Time flies like an arrow... Fruit flies like a banana. Willie [Well, the gay marriage amendment failed to pass the Senate, so who knows what's coming down the pike? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Jerky; Who killed the electric car? Here's an interesting site. It is a short film trailer. David [You know there's more to this than The Powers That Be would have us believe when you watch them shredding the "unsold" cars into pulp. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, my old pall. Largely I agree on your views on religion (I am a practising atheist), but got to think about something in the old testemony. Don´t you think mankind needs another sign, in form of a burning bush? Yours, Al Mulliman [Easy, Al... - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, Suppose Jesus hadn't been crucified. What then would be the motto for the Church? "Last night Jesus died quietly in his sleep for our sins." Aram [That's a good one. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Regarding your "paleotheology" idea... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY! This is what I was hoping for in my comparative religion classes. Black Dog [And instead you got... what? All those other religions are fake except ours? - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, It looks like the finals at the French Open will feature two Russian women - Schreechova vs Schreechkaya. Aram [What'd I tell you yesterday?! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com