MARTIN LUTHER KING JUNIOR DAY FILLER ISSUE! GO FUCK YOURSELF, ARIZONA! Poor Armin Meiwes! The notorious killer cannibal from Germany must have thought he won the lottery two years ago when a jury of his peers decided his gruesome crime didn't quite amount to full-fledged murder. Instead, because his alleged victim volunteered to be eaten -- even going so far as to share a bite of his own penis before succumbing to blood loss -- Meiwes was convicted on the lesser charge of manslaughter and given an eight-year jail sentence. Now, two years later, some gung-ho prosecutor who thinks Meiwes got off too lightly is going all double jeopardy on him. Makes yer old pal Jerky wonder what Martin Luther King Jr would have to say about this case. He'd probably say something like: "I have a dream that one day, cannibals will be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their stomachs." Or maybe he'd just wait for the movie. How far would you go for the best blonde joke ever? Hang on tight, you're about to find out. Osama bin Laden in Outer Space?! Just imagine! Thankfully, the goys and birls at the Federal Aviation Authority are on the case, drafting up rules and regulations that will hopefully prevent OBL and his flea-bitten posse from sneaking aboard one of them there "space tourism" flights all the millionaires are talking about these days. You know, not that I care that much either way about the death penalty, but there's something downright sadistic about resuscitating a man on death row. It's like putting out a fire in a house that's slated to be demolished the next day. Why bother? The Pentagon has a strange suggestion for the stressed-out family members of soldiers currently serving in the dangerous hellholes of Iraq and, to a lesser degree, Afghanistan: LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH!!! Ironically, that story makes yer old pal Jerky want to KILL, KILL, KILL!!! One last note, about the upcoming trials of Kenny-boy Lay and Jeff Skilling... apparently, jurors won't be hearing those infamous audiotapes of Enron traders discussing how they created the so-called "California energy crisis" so they could soak elderly grandmothers for every penny they had. Stay tuned to this space for more on what's already shaping up to be a judicial farce of epic proportions. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 16 On this day in 1920, prohibition becomes the law of the land, thus beginning America's thirteen year run as a "dry" country. Just like the War On Drugs, the War On Booze didn't (and doesn't) fucking work. On this day in 1991, Operation Desert Storm debuts on TV screens around the world. The ratings are killer! On this day in 2003, the Space Shuttle Columbia takes off on what will turn out to be its final mission. Sixteen days later, Columbia disintegrates on re-entry, spewing debris across Texas, including some that lands almost literally in Preznit Dubya's front yard. How fucked up is that?! On this day in 2006 -- today! -- the nation of Liberia swears in Africa's first elected female head of state, President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. Good luck, madame.

THEY SAID IT! "Is the world more dangerous than when we faced an ideological enemy with tens of thousands of missiles poised to be launched against us and annihilate our country at a moment's notice? Is America in more danger now than when we faced worldwide fascism on the march-when our fathers fought and won two World Wars simultaneously? It is simply an insult to those who came before us and sacrificed so much on our behalf to imply that we have more to be fearful of than they. Yet they faithfully protected our freedoms and now it is up to us to do the same." - It may be too early to know whether Al Gore's forceful, compelling speech on the current constitutional crisis qualifies as historic yet, but it sure felt like it to yer old pal Jerky. Watch some highlights. *** **** *** "It's my belief that we should get out now. We had an opportunity to say to the world and Iraqis after the hurricane disaster that Mother Nature has not treated us well and we find ourselves missing the amount of money it takes to help these poor people out of their homeless situation and rebuild some of our most important cities in the United States. Therefore, we are going to have to bring our troops home. I think we could have been able to retire with honor." - Walter "Crusty" Cronkite tosses his two cents' worth into the bottomless black hole of the Brave New World Media.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by N8possibilities! Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal xxx for sending in today's second joke. Q: If big boobed women work at Hooters-where do one legged women work? A: The International House Of Pancakes! (Get it? IHOP!) WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Dave. It has been determined; the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: "BLOW ME!!!" care of: S. Wallace The subject of this rant is now my default response to any rhetoric spewed from my ultra conservative friends. I have found that though they may be proficient at some things like being loud and overcoming reason with near rabies-like foam spewing from their mouths, it is still no good to try to show them the light of day or try to reason with them. When I asked said ruffians why they still supported Rush Limbaugh even though he is a hypocritical schlong guzzling junkie (I have nothing to support the schlong guzzling part but those jowls do seem inviting), I am always met with the same crap: “It’s all the liberal leftist extremists that made that stuff up, Rush Limbaugh is scaring them because he tells the truth!” When I ask if they had changed their minds on President Bush since it has come to pass that like my fave comedian Patton Oswald says he is going to usher in the biblical apocalypse, I am met with much the same retarded reply. I wonder, would it not be easier to myself simply put my hands over my ears and say “Nah nah nah nah nah nah” until all I understand is “We do not do torture” “Iran is a-goin’ Nukularrr, a-hyuck” and other such absurdities? Jesus Mohammed this man can’t even annunciate the threats much less build a credible case for them! Should I fall victim to his 999 ways to say the same fucking thing but in a different way just like 51% of Amurrrica did? I like to think I would stand up for what I believe in but with so many retarded fuckwads who are Jeff Gannon-Guckert like in their fawning adoration of what looks like a Brothers Grimm interpretation of the Book of Revelations, what is the ending going to look like for us “leftist extremists”? Fucking Dems in Washington are limp-wristed vegan pussies (excluding Boxer and Pelosi), the country is going to hell in a handbasket, and the morons are winning here. If even a tenth of the bullshit here had happened during the Clinton era he woulda been dragged out onto the lawn and shot. I am looking for some positive reinforcement, some light at the end of the tunnel, and like all smart people, only a porn peddling fat man in a strangely hypnotic beard can give that to me. I mean, uh… what do you think? - S. Wallace ["No more Mr. Nice Guy" is the only way to go at this point. Kudos. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOP Jerky, Never let it be said that an old friend let you down. I was going to write last week when the Druid Atheist was bandying my name about, but things got in the way. Sorry... it will NEVER happen again. When are you heading to Paradise? The Humpback whales are here for the birthing and mating season and it it a spectacular sight to see, (Pix enclosed) Lots to do in the islands... you should try it. Keep up the good work. Yours, for more of everything, Mauimaven [I'd love to go, Maui, but I'm worried about airport security. I have a fragile ego, and the prospect of a full body cavity search puts me off. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Hit drops? What do you expect when the leader of the free world spies on his own? The rats are scared. Can only explain one thing… many of you type yap in high decibel levels only to look for the nearest rat hole when the dense one at the helm coughs. Talk about REMF (Rear echelon ma’fuckers)! But the Dirt remains the best, you Jerk… OPP Kampala, UGANDA [Thanks for your kind words, OPP. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hail Jerky One, Sorry you're bummed about the whole lack of hate mail thing. Ya know I love ya Bro. But if it'll make ya feel any better, GO FUCK YOURSELF, YA BOOT LICKIN' SKUZZBALL! Cheers, and I hope ya feel better soon, YOPMick [Thanks, man. I feel a lot better now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerks; if you were hoping for hate mail you wont get any from me... i started reading the dirt less than a week after buying my first computer about seven years ago and the site makes more info available to me than most non-porn sites... the links you provide have been invaluable to me! Mitch W [Blush. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, If it's hate mail you want I will oblige -- you are so full of shit its unfathomable -- with that said I enjoy reading your rantings. yo! [You wound me, sir. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hello Jerky, Just heard word from a diamond driller friend who works in the Alberta oil sands that there is about 400 years worth of oil in that region at today's outrageous consumption rates. Are we in the midst of another oil scare? Sure looks like it to me. Love the Dirt. W. White [No wonder the Powers That Be are setting up Canada for demolition. They want to get their filthy mitts on Alberta! - Jerky] *** **** *** Ciao Jerkster, The Brits have a hatred of red hair because the Scots have many red haired families, and the Brits and the Scots fought many bitter campaigns against each other ever since Roman times. If you had red hair, it was likely you were a Scot and therefore a barbarian enemy! Etna Fred. [Plus, there's that whole Carrot Top thing. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I don't know if you reported this, but did you notice all the heavy hitters in DC last week? Was it in response to Abramoff loosening his lips? I know that Pres. Bushit needs some sound advice, but from this crowd? Why the hell do you think we are in the shape we are in now? This bunch had a lot to do with it. In attendance were: Robert S. McNamara, Melvin Laird, James Schlesinger, Harold Brown, Frank Carlucci, William Perry, William Cohen, Colin Powell, Alexander Haig, George Schultz, Lawrence Eagleburger, James Baker, and Madeleine Albright. WTF? Any thoughts? YOP, Bob [Turns out it was some kind of weird-ass photo-op. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com